Friday, April 25, 2008

A grand idea by moi

Dear clothing store owner,

I do not get the opportunity to shop for clothes for myself very often. I relish the experience (as long as it does not exceed 30 minutes as I have inherited the attention span of my children) and therefore am very agitated when I have to actually return something. My last return of a darling summer dress could have been prevented if your dressing room was designed differently. There is no way to tell how a dress really fits you if you are standing in a 4x4 closet. Sure, I can leave the privacy of my little room and prance around the store but I find that slightly embarrassing. Much thought has been given on this matter and I have the perfect solution.

Please equip each dressing room with a few mannequins of children. It would be best if they were battery operated to throw huge tantrums on the floor and to cling to the dress that I am trying on. This way I will know how the dress will perform in the actual scenarios the dress will be in. Unfortunately the dress I will be buying will not be just adorning me while I am standing upright. It needs to be tugged at from the bottom and the top. It needs to not be too revealing while I am leaning over a church pew looking for every Cheerio, crayon, boardbook, fruitsnack, toy, etc that has fallen through the crack on the church pew (what is up with that opening?? Do we really need a space between the seat and the back of the pew? I really believe it is there just to torture me)

It would also be handy if some of the mannequins had runny noses and dirty mouths. Then, as you would also have a container of baby wipes, I could see how well the dress withstood on-the-spot cleaning.

You may think this is unnecessary and that I should perhaps just bring my own children inside the dressing room with me to see how the dress would handle the stress. Apparently you were not there the last time I went to the mall and Ethan about killed himself on the escalators and Ike and Mitch were playing hide and seek in the drapery section and Noelle went surfing in her stroller and I said lots of bad words and they ARE NOT ALLOWED in public again.

I think this will solve all my dress buying problems--except for the ones that involve how off your sizing charts are...but that is for a different letter.


T said...

can I just take a moment to be glad that I do not own any clothing stores... lest I actually receive a letter like that!

the crack between the seat and the backrest is actually a good thing - if you've ever sat in a pew that doesn't have the opening after a large family with young children, you will see that the connected version tends to collect a very large supply of crumbs, crayon bits, used kleenex and the occasional small puddle of slobber (I hope). It is also there to allow my children to attempt to reach through it and get hopelessly stuck - eliciting all sorts of sounds that should not accompany the sacrament song.

Rhonda Can't Help You said...

First and foremost, you are hilarious. Secondly, let me tell you the best part of my being back in Utah. I am an excellent babysitter and co-shopper. I'd love to help out anyway I can. I'd PREFER to do both (shop with you and babysit), but let me know.

Love you and see you soon!

cold cocoa said...

Maybe you can have your own mom-friendly clothing line! Everyone is doing it these days. Also, a picture is worth a thousand words. You should have tried on the dress and had us vote whether it was a keeper and modest enough! A shot raising the arms and directing the children..a shot hunched over...walking up stairs (undie showage?) I hear your pain. I know your pain!

Holliann said...

Try it on? Dressing room? Totally foreign to me. Order it online, or pick it up at a jaunt through the mall, and if it doesn't look good...have hub return it on his way to work, thus appreciating all the things that I do for the livelihood of the home! I love places that I can order online, with free shipping of course (I am Mormon), and then return in store if ugly! The dress I mean, not me. I may be ugly, but nonreturnable.

Sher said...

I'm feeling unclever just now but I enjoy the fact that you are clever. I too prefer the crack in between the seat and the backrest to the conglomeration of gunk but retrieving crayon after crayon can be a pain. As far as clothes - I don't like returning things and Derek wouldn't be doing it for me unless I could convince him I really couldn't walk. I mostly dislike it because any child who's with me uses up their cheerful store time in the return line. Ug.

Reg said...

Are you and Holli even from the same species? Holli considers the buying process to just be starting at the register.

I on the other hand pretty much consider purchases final so I often agonize over even small items and often return to peruse several times before making a decision.

It is clear that neither method is all that efficient. There must be middle ground somewhere in between.

The Allreds said...

I know you'll die when you read this, but my cure is pretty easy...just have your mom buy your clothes and SHE returns the ones that don't fit right or don't fit your style : ) Maybe this only works with long-distance moms!?!?! I like your friend/relative who offered to shop with or babysit for you! WOW...that's true loyalty!

LC said...

How fun it would be to go to the store and try on outfits!! My shopping has evolved into pretty much exclusively online. (After 4 you go no more) you just order a couple sizes (which looks shocking on the credit card bill at first) but then you return the one that doesn't fit with the prepaid shipping label. Thank goodness for the web.

lkm said...

It is stories like these that make me happy to be a man and not a woman. My clothing sizes are measurable and don't change. I don't have to worry about how my clothes look when I bend, lean, raise my arm, or walk up stairs. Plus, when I do take my kids to the store I am treated like "Dad of the Year" and am offered much help and praise. I can also open my own jars and keep phone conversations to 30 seconds.

DKAZ said...

That darn space between the seat and back of the pew. I just get tired of being cordial to the stupid idiot who keeps picking up all my crap and handing it back. Everyone always wants credit don't they. Don't they realize that if they'd just leave it, then my kids wouldn't keep throwing it?
The biggest problem with my dresses is that I always look just about 5 months pregnant in all of mine and whenever I stand there holding a child or two-I know I look more like I'm about 9 months pregnant. If you do decide to do a mom-friendly line, will you include some spandex in it???